1. The First Guy To Ever Commit A Crime

Why can't I just take anything I want though?

2. The First Guy To Ever Write Fiction

Here's a thing that I imagined happened and now we can all pretend like it did!

3. The First Guy To Ever Have A Name

Hey person, what's your sound?

4. The First Guy To Ever Be A Toxic Fan

Heyyyyyy I like that noise you made.

5. The First Guy To Ever Own A Cat

This video is about a cat, and there is a cat in the video.

6. The First Guy To Ever Punch Someone

He who does the painful hand thing holds the ultimate power.

7. The First Guy To Ever Clean Himself

I'm gonna smell like flowers.

8. The First Guy To Ever Be An Artist

Hey good news I moved a bunch of colours around on some paper and now it kind of looks like you.

9. The First Guy To Ever Make A Commercial

10. The First Guy To Ever Wear A Costume

It's fun to pretend like you're not yourself for a little bit!

11. The First Guy To Ever Dream

I hallucinated about you while I was asleep and now I'm mad at you.

12. The First Guy To Ever Celebrate Christmas

Christmas is the great time of year when an old man breaks in and leaves you stuff because it's someone's birthday (but not yours)

13. The First Guy To Ever Kidnap Someone