Fingernails

No, sorry. This is just plain daft! "Anna" (Jessie Buckley) is living with "Ryan" (Jeremy Allen White) having got their certificate. What certificate? Well it's one that certifies that they are a love match! She was a teacher, but is now job hunting - so when an opportunity to work at the very facility that empowered their affection comes up, she heads straight to the office of boss "Duncan" (Luke Wilson) where she insists she would be great at "training" the couples who come to have their own relationships finessed and evaluated so they, too, can be verified. She is duly employed and paired with the inspirational and charismatic "Amir" (Riz Ahmed) - who clearly has his own secret to keep, too! What now ensues just lacks any sense of credibility and, for me, any attempts at satire just fell flat, quickly. The tests are fun, though. In a room where all are clad in just their smalls, "Rob" (Christian Meer) has to quite literally sniff out his girlfriend whilst keeping his eyes closed; another sees people charged with keeping eye contact whilst immersed in ten foot of cold water - presumably more preoccupied with not literally drowning in a sea of love! The coup-de-grasses? Well that's the crunch time when they wrench one of your fingernails - don't worry, you get to choose which one - from each person's hand then insert them into a microwave-oven looking gadget that looks like a cast-off from "Space 1999" before it announces - 0%, 50% or the dreamt for 100% - and that's bliss!. The point of all this being that it could end divorce and unhappy marriages for ever. Once in love, always in love...! Hmmm? Buckley reminds us, occasionally, that she has a fine singing voice and Ahmed is easy enough on the eye (reductive, I know - but we really don't have much else) but the story is just ridiculous, and that grown up adults would ever treat with such preposterous scenarios is just too far-fetched. It's not in anyway a comedy, and the predictable romantic elements come with way too much physical, collateral, damage. It is even almost earnest at times and after half an hour I realised why I was watching this in a cinema by myself. Nice to hear a bit of Alison Moyet on big screen sound, but that's about the height of this. He really needs to get his car window fixed, too!